THE BLACK DRESS

Shopping for what is, in essence, a costume with a teenager is probably listed as one of the top ten reasons you get a migraine.  My adorable, beautiful, stunning, angelic princess Kennedy (stop laughing) is in the choir.  She is a stickler for following “choir” rules which leads me to think that I should name our house “CHOIR” in order to get her to follow my rules at home.  Anyway, to sing in the women’s choir at school you must be adorned in a long sleeve floor length black gown or shirt/skirt combination.  SERIOUSLY?  Where in the world do you find a fashion piece such as that, which is also appropriate for someone under 90 years old?????  I panicked the minute I found out her needs and proceeded to put the shopping trip for this “costume” off until the last minute.  I mean – come on – do you think I seriously WANT to visit hell?  No.  Finally, we’re just 2 days before her first choir concert and she is in serious panic mode about her dress.  Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to put it off so long after all because now I get to shop for this horrid outfit with a teenager who is in the middle of a panic attack while have that monthly visit from Aunt Flo.  Open Hell – Welcome Renae.  We go to the Mall and begin our search.  First Macy’s.  There is a relatively decent gown in their formal department that I secretly believe was made for an 80 year old woman’s last New Year’s Bash but I hold my tongue and look for Kennedy’s response.  I don’t get one.  This is because while I’ve taken the time to actually look at the dress she came, she saw, she immediately walked away.  I dare to say: Kennedy – did you see this one?  She flips her head around – I get the “glare of death” and she continues to walk away.  Simply put – I’m a dumb ass for even asking.  Reader, if you’re unfamiliar with the dumb ass reference, please refer to a previous blog where I explain this in more detail.  Back to the story.  I let go of the dress and follow my daughter who appears to be promptly leaving Macy’s.  They have nothing that would approach tolerance level with her.  We move on.  Next is Forever 21 because apparently she shops their web site and saw a dress.  However, we quickly find out they do not keep that particular gown in the stores as it doesn’t really sell that well.  Go figure.  We leave and I try to cheer up my beloved monster.  “No worries!” I say.  “We’ll find something.”  Kennedy immediately responds, “Mom – please – just – don’t”  She says all of this in broken sentence form without so much as a glance in my direction.  So much for cheering up.  I walk ahead a little bit and begin to guide us to JC Penny’s.  As we get closer I believe my brilliant daughter begins to realize this and says:  “Uh – Mom – stop – where ARE you going?”  I smile and cheerfully say:  JC Penny’s of course!  They always have lots of formal wear.  She stops.  So suddenly the person behind her almost collides with her almost causing an avalanche of mall rats.  She is staring at me like I have horns.  “What?” I innocently say?  Kennedy scowls and informs me viciously, although very quietly, “you are not making me go in that store.”  Another smile from me as I happily reply: “Oh, but yes I am doll – because this is probably the only place that’s going to have what we need.”  I don’t wait for a reply this time.  I might be a dumbass to a 14 year old but certainly not when it comes to mothering.  I head on to the store not daring to glance back and see if she is following.  That would give her reason to believe she has control.  Not anymore.  This bitchy momma has taken the reins and I’m getting this done whether she’s on board or not!!!  Off to JC Penny’s I go heading straight for the formal section.  I arrive and begin looking.  I don’t even look for Kennedy – although I believe she is there because I hear a sniff and some long nasty sighs (yes sighs can be nasty) behind me.  I see something.  It’s a floor-length gown, not too bad, but we’ll have to buy a long-sleeve shoulder jacket to go with it – who cares.  I grab the dress and the first one is Kennedy’s size.  It’s a sign.  I turn around – and yes, she’s there.  She looks at the dress and about knocks me over with her reply:  It’s not so bad.  I go with it.  “Take this and go try it on.  I’ll find some long-sleeve jackets to go with it and see if we can get out of this place!  I grab 5 different jackets and run to the dressing room.  The dress fits perfectly, except for the fact that it shows cleavage which is not allowed.  NO PROBLEM!!!!  I will sew a peace of material in that tear drop and we’re good.  She goes through the jackets and we agree on an acceptable one.  WHEW!!!!  We’re done and it only took an hour – I AM NOT KIDDING!!  We buy our purchase and Kennedy actually spies a coat she likes – SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!!!!!!  I get the dress without a nightmarish fight, and actually get to avoid the winter coat war too?  We’re on!!!!!!!!!!  “Throw the coat on the pile!”  I say.  WHAT’S THAT I SEE???  Kennedy is smiling!!!!  OMG – I’m not in Hell – I’m in Heaven.  THANK YOU GOD!!!!

The Pretties....

Dear Reader - I'm so sorry for my absence from the blog.  Literally, I think exhaustion overtook me for a few days.  In addition - there really hasn't been anything going on but the same of everything.  Work, kids, sleep, repeat.  HOWEVER, this past weekend my hubby and I decided to treat ourselves to a weekend away from it all.  Friday we packed up the car after work and headed to the Belterra Casino Resort and Spa for two nights.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  It was awesome.  We had incredible dinners at Jeff Ruby's, great wine and gambling where for ONCE in my life we came out several hundred dollars ahead - Woohooo!!!!!  However, I have to interject at this point that I have another name for BCRS. I call it "House of the Pretties."  Yes - you will see the occasional couple of wealth - the 80 year old sugar daddies with their 25 year old arm candy.  The women who wear fur when it's 85 degrees outside because they can.  But seriously, if you sit at the corner of the main entrance at one of the starbucks tables and pretend to sip your coffee you will get an amazing show of the "pretties".  These are people who range in age from 25 to 95.  Some have no teeth, some have no hair.  Some are so tiny they look like skeletons with a layer of skin and others are so large that they can apparently no longer find shirts that will cover their bellies.  Some have obvious talent with makeup and others - well - there are others who believe their talent with makeup is so worthwhile that all should be able to see them coming from half mile away.  Then there's the hair.  This weekend proved to be very giving of stylish do's.  For instance, it was not unusual at all when the grandmother who was celebrating her 86th birthday at BCRS showed up in style sporting hair that was of three colors, the most vibrant being fuschia and going great with the other stripes of natural gray and black onyx.  A little gel to spike it up and gma was one heck of a hotty at the House of the Pretties.  There were long braids to the knees with stunning butterfly pins poking out here and there.  And while I didn't take the time to ask if the butterfly pins ever stuck her when she sat - I was truly amazed at how well they stood out.    There was a particularly interesting man who decided the hair on his head was better off staying gray but surely his beard needed to be jet black.  And his lovely long blue dress socks really showed off his shapely legs when matched with the red plaid shorts and brown plaid jacket.  Where oh where was his lucky woman??  But alas sitting at Starbucks is not the only place you can see the performance of The Pretties.  Nope - you can pretty much see them anywhere.  We grabbed breakfast at the buffet one morning and while sitting eating a mediocre morning meal the gracious hostess seated a family at the table next to us.  I immediately felt complete sympathy and concern for the mother.  God love her.  I'm not sure WHY stupid WalMart does not understand the needs of the "well-endowed" woman but it was obvious to both my husband and I immediately that she could not shop at WalMart and find a shirt large enough to cover her 16th and 17th roll for they were peeking out underneath her shirt moving and jiggling and assaulting us from 5 feet away.  Clearly WalMart saw the need to provide ample coverage in shirt sizes for her husband and son who were both larger than she.  What was good old Sam thinking when he decided to be so transparent by obviously catering to our largest men but not our largest women? Each time she picked up another kiebalsa sausage with her fingers and finished it off in one bite while being able to chew and lick her fingers at the same time, my heart went out to her.  Obviously this is a wounded soul.  I left breakfast early.  Sometimes The Pretties becomes a very emotional show and a viewing break may become necessary in order to avoid nausea and gagging.  There was definitely a time of learning this visit to BCRS.  I learned that The Pretties come with a wide variety of accessories.  What fun!!!  Everything from canes to self-whittled walking sticks.  They ride in on wheelchairs or use walkers that can convert into seats that give them an excellent view of any table or slot mahcine.  They carry oxygen tanks or attach them to their wheelchairs.  They even use the oxygen tubes to help carry the Rewards Card BCRS offers.  They have bags galore and fill them with the most amazing items.  One lady dropped her diaper as she was moving towards the bathroom.  She wasn't concerned though.  BCRS is a very clean place.  She picked it up and proceed to the bathroom where undoubtedly she put her hidden accessory to good use.  A new trend is to wear clothes with holes.  There was a very stylish man who had at least 3 or 4 good holes in his shirt placing awesome bets at the blackjack table.  He was not winning but the intensity was great.  I completely understood when he turned to me and asked me if by chance I had any cigarettes he could borrow.  Seems they are very expensive at BCRS and he certainly couldn't take any money away from his betting.  I completely understood and dug through my purse but much to my chagrin had to decline when I remembered I no longer smoke.  Sweet sweet man completely understood and just turned his toothless grin to the person on the other side of him.  Awwww - I love The Pretties.  Finally it was time to leave and as we strolled towards the exit I stopped one last time to take a look at my people.  I smiled at the shemale walking by and grinned even bigger when I saw the 23 year old couple with all four of their kids struggling to get to the buffet.  I got a couple of nods from smoking pregnant lady and her apache medicine man.  Goodbye for now my pretties.  I'll see you soon.