Heartache....

Heartaches come in all shapes and sizes.  There’s good heartache and bad.  There’s the smile of my 20 month old grandson that completely breaks my heart in two.  There’s the moment when your son tells you that he no longer wants to hug you goodbye at school.  There’s the moment when you realize your child has lied to you for the first time or the first time they tell you that they can’t stand you because you grounded them.  I’ve sent a kid to military school as punishment and cried for hours and hours after I dropped him off.  I’ve lost my father to an illness that could have been easily prevented and screamed at the chief of surgery because I couldn’t understand the fairness of it all.  I’ve been the victim of domestic violence and survived only to have a Judge tell me that I was required to subject my children to this horrible man twice a month.  I’ve suffered heartache - in small ways and in large ways.  I’ve been told I’m tough though I personally don’t think so.  I know some of my choices were more tough than others. I can look at all of these things and see the ones that were hard and the ones that were not so hard.  However, I cannot compare any of the previous aching that I’ve suffered to what happens to my heart every time I see her smile in my mind or hear her voice in my head.   If you’ve read any of my previous blogs you’ll know that my best friend, Bonnie, was killed in a car accident on August 7^th, 2010.  It’s been almost 2 months now and still I have moments that take my breath away because the heartache is so great.  Two nights ago I went to bed missing her so much I just laid on my husband’s shoulder and cried.  Not a hard cry - just a weepy soft cry.  Then last night I had a terrible nightmare where I was trying to reach her in a crowded room to tell her not to drive her car because there was going to be an accident.  She was across the room being her usual lovely self with friends and people wouldn’t get out of the way so she left and I woke up yelling for her.  It was devastating.  I don’t know quite how to process these moments.  I don’t know what behavior is acceptable.  I’m able to laugh and joke around with friends.  I’m able to kid around with my children and husband.  Then suddenly I find I want to scream to the world that Bonnie is dead and I won’t ever see her again.  Is that normal?  I don’t know.  I am addicted to pictures of her which kind of creeps my husband out.  I have her beautiful smile all over my house now and on my desk at work.  I constantly pull more up on my computer and just remember what we were doing at the time it was taken.  I talk to her on the way to work.  I suffered great loss before, but it was loss I could prepare for.  My grandfather was a great man who collapsed at my house but God still gave me another three weeks to be able to say goodbye to him.  My father became needlessly ill but I was given two months to prepare myself and tell him how much I loved him.  Nothing in the world prepares you for going on vacation with your best friends one week and then losing one of them just five days later.  It’s insane and I’m not sure that I can wrap myself around it yet.  I find myself wondering if she knew how much I loved her.   I can’t remember if I told her how thankful I was for her – although that was standard conversation on our little trips together.  What would I say if I had five more minutes?  I think this is at least part of it:  Bonnie:  You’re beautiful and crazy all at the same time.  You’re the most understanding, attentive, loveable friend I’ve ever had.  I’m so thankful that you’ve been there to give me good advice when it comes to my children.  I’m so thankful that you let me vent and cuss and say things I shouldn’t then you let me tuck it away and act like I never did it.  THANK you for loving me so much that you stood up for me even when you knew I was wrong.  Thank you for not always telling me when I was wrong because I know there have been many.  Thank you for all of the home-made gifts you’ve given me like my FBI badge, the beach ball, the hat, the pictures – gosh you put in a lot of time and effort just being my friend…  Thank you for laughing so much and making me laugh right along with you.  Thank you for coming into my life when you did and blessing me for so long with the type of friendship I never knew existed until I met you.  I love you.  I need you.  Please don’t leave me.  Life without you around will be gray….  

I know there is more to say – my mind just floods and then stops thinking altogether.  Today is not an exceptionally sad day.  I still have friends making me laugh.  But in the background – where I try my best to keep it – is that terrible ache that I’m not sure will ever go away.  It’s the ache that fills the hole in my heart that was once filled with her every day antics.  I miss you sweet girl. 

Dumbass

If you are the mother of a teenager you know why sometimes animals eat their young, right?  Seriously – all joking aside – you know why, right?  It is very evident that my 14 year old thinks I know nothing at all.  It is only because I remember feeling the same way when I was her age that I have not strangled her and roasted her like a pig.  I do realize that some day she’ll think I’m smart enough to come to for advice.  However, this stage where I’m a complete dumbass is a bit irritating to say the least.  I am good for only a few things at this point in her life.  That is paying for her needs, driving her places and fetching whatever she needs if she feels sick.  I am good enough to cook for her, but not to explain to her that when cleaning the kitchen you might want to use an actual cleaner on the counter.  I’m a dumbass.  I’m good enough to turn the temperature down at night, but a complete idiot if I feel the temperature should be higher than 68 during the day.  I’m a dumbass.  I am absolutely excellent at going to the mall and pulling out my bank card, but good grief what was I thinking when I suggested she might look cute in that shirt????????  I’m a dumbass.  What?  You need your hair cut?  Not a problem because I know exactly where the best hair dresser is.  No – I won’t suggest any styles to you because it is obvious I have no taste at all.  I’m a dumbass.  I will be there to cheer you on during your competitions because I ROCK at being supportive, but I had no clue that using your actual name therefore allowing people to know that the mom with the painted face and pompoms is your mom is an outrageous thing to do.  I’m a dumbass.  THANK GOD that I know exactly the right medicine that helps you when you’re in the midst of painful pms but for freaking sake how could I even begin to suggest you take it BEFORE the pms begins to be preventative?  I’m a dumbass.  Telling you that you need to get more sleep in order to not be so tired – how do you put up with the dumbass that’s your mother?  Wanting you to do the laundry before the entire 2^nd floor of the house smells like your dirty socks?  Dumbass.  Suggesting that you shut your bathroom door during your menstrual cycle so I do not have to pull another tampon out of the dogs mouth is proof that once again, I am a complete and total dumbass.  Of course the list could go on from here to eternity but I think, Dear Reader, you are beginning to pick up the frustration that I am so graciously laying at your feet.  Therefore, I’ll stop.  This dumbass mother must wrap up the day and go take my brilliantly smart and wise teenager for her hair appointment and Halloween costume.  Clearly I will try to think of ways not to burden her with my dumbassiveness.  

Gran's Visit....

So my Gran came to dinner for her birthday.  I spared no expense putting together something that I thought would please her palate.  All of my effort was to be truly rewarded to say the least.  First – I was out until late late on Friday because my usual stop for happy hour became an all night rendezvous when my friend Hazel called me and begged freakishly, in fact, almost in a harassing manner, for me to stay so her husband could join Brian and I.  We stayed.  OUCH!  Saturday came along with the headache and nausea that too much drinking gives even the most seasoned of us.  Blah!  Not only was I a bit under the weather but Kennedy had an all-day competition!  It took until about 6 that evening for me to feel relief from the previous night and I still had 6 hours to go before I would be home again and laying on my sweet pillow in bed.  However, Kennedy’s team won grand champions so I couldn’t be anything but overjoyed for her (on the outside anyways).  I climb into bed and close my eyes only to open them what seems like mere seconds later when morning comes and I must prepare for Gran’s visit.  This is when I realize I haven’t bought her a present yet.  Off to the store I go.  Grab the presents, forget the wrapping.  Oh well – the Macy’s bag will do because the card I got ROCKS!  Run home and for the next four hours I am cooking my @ss off.  Menu:  Appetizers: Tomato Basil Goat Cheese crudités and gourmet cheeses w/ crackers; First course: Mango prosciutto salad on mixed greens with lemon vinagarette; Second course:  Pesto stuffed chicken with roasted tomatoes and Onions served with a white wine sauce and stuffed mashed potatoes.  Dessert:  Chocolate Mousse with Vanilla Cream and Raspberries.  Yes I was a bit obnoxious with it all but I always want my gran to feel special.  Well – did I ever know how special she felt after dinner.  Reader – I could go through all the crazy things she said individually like when she said that my ex convict, drug dealing aunt had been through “so much” or when she said that I was so blessed to have such a hard working family while I was the only one standing in the kitchen sweating my ass off for her;  However it was one comment in particular that made me realize that growing as old as 85 is probably not going to be the goal I set for myself in the future.  While relaxing in the living room after dinner my gran and I are chatting.  I ask her to share some memories with me – things like her most embarrassing moments or something she was especially proud of.  This is when my gran looks me straight in the eye and says:  Renae – Sunshine – you will realize some day that memories are only for yourself because no one really cares.  The truth is that no one thinks about anything but themselves.  They do not care about your memories at all.  People are just selfish and that’s the truth.  Then my gran proceeded to say she was tired, but was there any more of that chocolate mousse left before she goes?  I gave my gran more chocolate mousse.  I walk her to her car and hug her goodbye, tell her I love her, blow her a kiss as my aunt drives her away…..and as I turn to walk back in the house I think to myself “looks like white castle is going to be serving the dinner for birthday #86!”  While what she said made me sad I knew it was coming from an 85 year old woman who truly didn’t mean it.  She knows that I love her and I know that she loves me.  This was a test of the crazies.  I passed.  And of course I’ll start planning the next dinner we invite her to. 

GRAN......

I love my gran.  When I was younger she insisted on hosting every birthday party for me with elaborate cakes she would make herself.  I remember when I was 9 it was a carousal with incredible detail.  Gran has always been the kind of gran that they write books about.  She taught me how to bake cookies and pies, had me spend the night whenever I could.  She would take me shopping for silly treats.  I remember once she wanted to get “healthy” so I went with her to a woman’s workout center where they let me lay on the jiggle table next to her.  No kidding – we were laying on a table for like 20 minutes just getting jiggled back and forth.  My gran was so excited that she could lay down and slim down at the same time.  Of course after we worked out together we went to McDonalds and got a strawberry shake because we’d lost so much weight.  Ha!  While my grandfather’s pet name for me was Miss America, my gran’s pet name for me was Sunshine of my Life.  Still to this day when I call her she will say – Oh My – It’s the Sunshine of my Life!  I love my gran.  However, that is not the point of this blog.  Reader – I wrote this introduction paragraph so that you would understand how I feel about my gran and not be offended at the next paragraph.  Nothing in the world will ever make me treasure this wonderful lady any less than I ever have because she has done so much for me and been there for me so many times through my life.  She is my safe haven, a mentor, a class act that I hope to model my life after.  Of course there’s an exception – one thing that I hope does not take over as I age like dear gran.  That, dear reader, is THE CRAZIES!!!

Okay – so let’s get to the point.  My conversation two nights ago with Gran about drove me F’N crazy!!!!  No kidding.  Starts out like this -  G:  Hi Sunshine of my Life!  How are you?  R:  Hi Gran – I’m doing good.  How are you doing?  G:  Oh honey it’s so good (now with tears) to hear your voice.  It’s been soooooooo long!  (keep in mind that I talk to my gran at least several times a week.)  R:  Gran – don’t cry!  We just talked the other day.  Guess What?  I’m calling to remind you that I’m picking you up Sunday to come to my house and spend the afternoon with me!  Remember?”  G:  Oh honey that’s so much work on you.  You don’t have to do that.  I’m fine here sitting on my couch all alone.  R:  Gran – it’s your birthday!  Of course I want to spend your birthday with you.  G:  Oh Sunshine – you spoil me so much (again the tears) I do not know what I’d do without you.  I tell everyone how you spoil your grandma so much.  All my friends are so jealous of me.”  R:  Well Brian and I will pick you up at 1:00pm on Sunday.  Will that be okay with you?  G:  Oh sunshine – you don’t have to do that.  Why, you’re so busy working.  I’m fine here sitting on my couch all alone.  R:  Well Gran – don’t you want to come?  G:  WHAT?  Now don’t you say that Renae Lee (now angry) of course I want to come – how could you think I don’t want to come?  R:  I didn’t mean that Gran.  I just wanted to let you know that Brian and I would be there to pick you up on Sunday at 1pm.  Will that be okay?  G:  Oh Sunshine I don’t know what I’d do without you.  You spoil me so much.  I tell all my friends about you and they’re all just as jealous as they can be.  R:  Okay Gran – I’ll see you Sunday at 1pm.  G:  (now tears again)  Oh Sunshine Of My Life – I love you so much!  R:  Bye Gran! (and then I hang up the phone quickly before she can again tell me that she is fine sitting on the couch all alone) 

Most recently my gran has taken to explaining her new 85-year-old body functions.  In the middle of a phone conversation I will be interrupted with a “BYE RENAE I GOTTA GO!”  Interesting I say – someone must be at the door.  NOOOOOOOOOO.  15 minutes later my gran will call back and tell me things no granddaughter should ever have to hear in her life.  G:  Oh Sunshine – thank goodness you’re still home and we can talk!  I’m sorry about that.  R:  Are you okay Gran?  G:  Oh Yes honey – you know – when you get older some things just don’t wait and, well, I hate to tell you about it but since you asked, I had dinner a little while ago and my body decided it was time to let it all go.  Your grandmother barely made it to the bathroom in time.  Gosh – Sunshine I’m sorry I told you that – why that’s disgusting.  (angry voice now) Why do you let me go on like that?  Call me tomorrow.  (and she hangs up the phone).   I know, dear reader, that she has not hung up on me because she’s mad at me, but rather because she realizes she just explained to me that she had a severe dumping episode and is now embarrassed.  Protocol calls for our next conversation to be started out acting like we haven’t spoken in ages so that she can believe I’ve forgotten all about it. 

Again, Reader – know that I love my gran to pieces and don’t know what I’ll do when the time comes for her to be with my grandfather.  However – I’m sure on Monday I’ll have a nice blog about the antics of Sunday’s birthday dinner with gran.  Until then….cheers!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I just want to scratch her eyes out and I don't even know her name!!!!!  Seriously!  Some bitchy little "my shit don't stink" insignificant RECEPTIONIST trying to put me in my place by telling me the doctor would not be “interested” while using her sarcastic little sneer should consider herself extremely lucky at this moment in time because I would be totally slapping the sneer right off of her face before she took another breath if she were within reach.  That she actually has no hesitation to answer for the doctor and doesn't give him the right to choose for himself whether or not he'd like to be featured in the TOP THREE FREAKING LADIES PUBLICATIONS IN THE NATION is about as presumptious as it comes.  Oh - be sure that I will find a way to contact the doctor and when I do I will let him know that the nasty little snot he has answering his phones is abnoxiously rude and he would be much better served if he found himself a new gal friday to take care of answering calls in a polite manner.  I will inform this doctor that Presumptious Patty actually chose to refuse the opportunity for him to have a published article read by almost half a million readers IN HIS AREA ALONE!!!!!!!!!  The amount of new patients and credibility this nasty cat just cost him will undoubtedly cost him an immeasurable amount of monetary gain and the respect of his peers.  After I tell this doctor what dowdy doody did, he will for sure fire her and make an example to his staff with regards to the treatment of people as important as I. 

F’N C**T BETTER WATCH WHO SHE MESSES WITH.  Some people will cut a b!tch for behavior like that! 

THANKS!

I know someone named Hazel

She’s really into Basil

She thinks she is so awesome

With eyes just like a possum

I’m not sure if she’s sane

I’m not inside her brain

But she is so fun

And I’m her number one

We like to drink and text

What will she tell me next

She gives me much relief

From all my recent grief

Her husband’s not a banker

I wrote this poem to thank her

EXHAUSTION....

Last night I reached a new level of exhaustion that I was amazed to have achieved – until this morning.  It all started a couple of weeks ago when I volunteered to cook for 150 people that participate in the Ryle Marching Band.  My daughter is on the color guard team and I’ve been so impressed with all their hard work I just wanted to help in some way.   So after careful planning and estimation – I started cooking on Thursday for Saturdays dinner.  I literally finished cooking 1 hour before the food was to be delivered at the school for transport to the competition.  Crazy.  I then proceeded to volunteer to be a bus chaperone.  Go ahead and say it – I agree with you – I’m a dumb ass.  Excellent observation.  So I hop on the bus already tired and sporting an awesome headache that will not leave for the remainder of the day.  After the 45 minute obnoxious and loud ride to the competition my headache is far superior than any recent one I remember.  I help organize the food area with plenty of time left over before dinner service.  Terrific!  I get a chance to go to the field – sit in the bleachers – and watch Kennedy and her awesome color guard team win BEST color guard out of 20 schools.  The entire band’s performance was so incredible I was once again brought to tears.  Hip Hip Hooray!!!  Hurry – it’s time to serve the food before finals.  My beloved hubby and I head over to Ryle’s area and finish setting up food just in time to begin service.  150 people later we realize that as usual – I’ve made way too much.  Not a problem!  There’s a family in need so the food will not go to waste – yeah!  We help clean up feeling sooo drained.  Then of course we find out about the trophies received and I love seeing my daughter so incredibly psyched out and happy!  It’s time to go back to the field and watch the bands perform at finals.  It’s apparent that not only are the parents fatigued but so are the teenagers in the band.  I immediately know the performance is not as good as the one in the preliminary portion of the competition.  The color guard has a rifle drop and a flag drop.  The marching band has a few uneven lines.  I keep my fingers crossed because I see other teams are dropping also and not marching as well.  What can they expect when the day started at 8:30am and it’s 10pm???  All in all we still did terrific.  Ryle came in 3^rd – congratulations to them.  It’s over – it’s almost 11pm.  I’m completely whacked.  We all stumble back to the buses and I literally have to wake myself up on the way home.  I’m supposed to be chaperoning – so I do a quick look around – HAND CHECK!!!!  We get back to school, unload the buses – reload up our car.  The entire day is summed up in one moment for me.  We’re walking back to the band room and my daughter is talking with friends.  Suddenly I hear:  “Hey everyone – it’s my mom and dad!  I LOVE YOU MOM AND DAD!!!”  Unexpectedly there are 20 or so teenagers shouting out their love for us and I know without a doubt that, though I feel done-in, I would do it all again in a heartbeat just to hear my child exclaim her appreciation in such a manner.  This is what it’s all about.  I cry a little and grin a lot.

Reader – did you think I forgot to finish my story about my exhaustion?  Not at all.  We collapsed at home in bed and woke up early-“ish” the next day.  By Noon I was wide awake, showered, and out doing my normal weekend errands such as grocery shopping etc.  At 3:00 I realize the exhaustion of the past three days has not left me.  Being the smart assertive girl that I am, I listened to my husband suggest an energy drink and immediately agreed.  Zip fizz is the best – so we partook.  At 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5am this morning I was cursing this company for their excellent product and positive that contacting an attorney with intent to sue would be the best path of revenge to seek. 

I sit here now, sharing these events with you, and wondering if there’s any fix good enough to keep my eyes from doing the “I’m so tired I wiggle” dance that they’ve been participating in all morning.  Seriously – exhaustion – it’s not underrated.  It’s not anything but pure agony.  Of course it’s also Monday morning.  The combination is almost too much to bear.  But of course I will be fine.  I will run my “after work errands” and then go home and throw the trout I set out this morning in the oven.  After dinner I will kiss everyone goodnight and collapse for sure.  Tomorrow’s another day!!!!!!