Being a Mom....

I started writing today in one direction and it turned into something entirely different.  I guess I was trying too hard when I should have just let my fingers do the talking :) 

Every day on my way home from work I call my mother.  It's my time to see what's going on with her, and just give her attention so she knows she's important to me.  I hope my children will likewise stay in touch. 

More and more has my mother been complaining about her mother, Lucy.  My Gran is 86 years old, soon to be 87.  Imagine in the 30's and 40's a dark haired slight of a girl who was not just beautiful but STUNNING!  I have her graduation picture hanging in my home.  Now imagine a red cross worker, who married a sailor, and upon leaving the military this young couple settled in Northern Kentucky and the sailor answers the call to be a baptist minister. 

A couple years pass while in bible college, and this sweet, handsome couple find that they are unable to bear children.  They are distraught.  They find out what to do in regards of foster care because they want to share their love so much!  Inadvertently, the young couple learn about adoption and become convinced that they are to adopt.  Over the next 12 years as the young pastor begins his ministry they adopt four children, all from very difficult backgrounds.  They love these children, raise them as their very own, and give them a wonderful family and life. 

Fast forward.  The minister goes to be with his maker at the age of 79.  He was my mentor and one of my best friends.  My Gran was also a truly wonderful influence.  Every time he called me or I called him he would say:  Hello Miss America!  If it was Gran she would say:  Well it's the sunshine of my life - how are you honey"  I never doubted their love for me.  Never will. 

But lets face it.  Age changes you.  It doesn't matter if your 10, 40, 65 or 90.  Age has changed you.  My grandmother is easily agitated these days.  She doesn't always make sense or remember things.  She speaks about things with authority when she has no clue.  Sometimes she behaves as though she favors one child over another - obviously not her usual behavior.  Only randomly does she remember that I am the sunshine of her life.  It's painful sometimes to see this different Gran.  But it is age.  It is not her.  It is age. 

And here we are at the present.  The phone calls to my mother.  My mother can no longer "tolerate" my gran.  She's become too much for her.  My daily phone calls have become her venting sessions.  I want to say:  Would you stop!  Your mother gave her life for you even though you were born of another.  She saved you!  She handmade every birthday cake and party dress.  She made every single holiday so special.  She supported you through childbirth, marriage, divorce, remarriage.  She's done everything for you.  But now "age" has made her unloveable?  I'm ashamed.  I'm ashamed of my mother and her complaining.  I think to myself, I will not be who you are.  And then I feel ashamed about me.  Who wants to think like that about their mother?  So I said to myself, it's not that I don't want to be who she is - I just want to be better than she is.  I want to do better than she's done.  And I certainly want to take better care of her when it's time to than what she is giving my gran. 

This past mother's day, instead of waiting to receive the usual cards and gifts from my children I decided to stay up late the night before and send each of them an email.  I took careful time to make each of them individual and not just repeat thoughts.  I spent time really thinking about what it was that made each of them so special.  I wrote to them about how they honored their parents so greatly by being BETTER.  I wrote to them about the ways in which they astounded me.  I wrote to them about their strengths and how proud I was of them for overcoming any weaknesses.  I let them know in the plainest terms I could that I was truly amazed and thankful to be part of their life.  Then I hit send.  I knew they wouldn't receive it until Mother's Day was upon us, which was perfect.  The effect was amazing.  I had such joy because I knew that my children couldn't doubt how much they were loved.  I had given myself the perfect Mother's Day Gift.  And the sharing of love and time later that day after they had received their emails was incredibly rewarding. 

I also wrote to my mother.  It was, afterall, Mother's Day.   I thanked her for all she had done for me.  I thanked her for supporting me during the times I was not easy to support.  I thanked her for providing a home, an education and all that's inbetween.  I told her how much I loved her.  I told her that it is a circle and she should never doubt that I would always be there for her. 

I will continue to focus on my mother.  She is almost 60 now.  Not at death's door by any means.  But she is a bit frail and not in the best of health.   If she were gone tomorrow would I have regrets?  No.  I'm there for her.  Every day at 5:15 we talk.  She waits for my call and I do not forget her.  I will not complain about her.  I will not be irritated by her.  I will take care of her when the time comes.  I will support her when she needs me.  I will love her regardless of any imperfection. 

Though I don't always agree with her, she is my mother.  And I know how much I desire my children to love the imperfect mother they were given. 

So I guess, Reader, this blog has once again become an outlet that I was able to vent frustration but in writing, realize the true lesson. 

I love my mother.  With all of her strengths, imperfections and weaknesses, I love her.   I believe today at 5:15 I will share with her how it hurts me to hear her talk about Gran that way.  I will share with her that I hope we never exchange those feelings.  I will tell her I hope my children never feel that way about me.  I will tell her in a gentle way, that Gran is still Gran and after giving us her best for a lifetime, we should be giving our best to her.