Distraction....

I went to my best friend's house after work today.  She wasn't there.  For the first time I realized that she was never coming back and the hurt in my heart is almost too much to bear.  I was so extremely tense going there that I actually lost my way.  WTH???  Who hasn't been to their BFF's house enough times to know how to get there without getting lost????  Then I yelled at my husband on the phone - so not cool.  I'm the distracted one who drove past the exit.  It took me almost an hour to drive what should have been a 15 minute drive.  Distraction.  It's becoming common place these days.  Her daughter is leaving for college tomorrow.  I went because I felt the need to hug Mance (Samantha) goodbye because her mom isn't there to do that anymore.  I gave her a lame sterling silver necklace and earring set - as if a $50 piece of jewelry will make any difference.  She probably has a million but I didn't know what else to give her and that's when I realized - you always tell your friends that if something happens to them you will help take care of their family.  WTF????  I have no clue what size Mance wears - I just know she's beautiful.  I don't know what her favorite colors are or if she likes chicken tettrazini as much as her mom does.....I don't know shit about her other than her mom was so extremely proud of her and that she is an extremely smart and talented young woman who actually has her head on perfectly straight.  I look at Mance, Todd (her husband) and Clay (her son) and they look like they're holding it together.  Maybe better than I am.  Are they pretending as much as me???  Everything looks the same.  She'd be proud of how they're "making it".  We chat about nothing - while saying everything.  In my head I'm thinking things I'm trying not to say out loud.  In my head I'm screaming - she's gone and I'm so sorry!  But they know.  My husband - sweet Brian who is trying so hard to be "there" - says to me for the third time in the past week - just breathe.  Take another breath.  Right now that's all you can do.  This will pass and you'll be okay.  I don't know if this one will pass.  I'm thankful for new friends and for family that have been around to distract me.  Distractions.  Sometimes a blessing and sometimes a pain in the ass.  I appreciate the moments where I'm laughing.  I dread the moments where I'm crying again.  I thank God every time I think of her that I had her in my life.  I yell at no one in particular every time I'm pissed that I will never hug her, see her, talk to her, laugh at her, sing with her, eat with her, drink with her, swim with her - no one to play volleyball with anymore.  Brian's calling from the other room.  Distractions.....