GRAN......

I love my gran.  When I was younger she insisted on hosting every birthday party for me with elaborate cakes she would make herself.  I remember when I was 9 it was a carousal with incredible detail.  Gran has always been the kind of gran that they write books about.  She taught me how to bake cookies and pies, had me spend the night whenever I could.  She would take me shopping for silly treats.  I remember once she wanted to get “healthy” so I went with her to a woman’s workout center where they let me lay on the jiggle table next to her.  No kidding – we were laying on a table for like 20 minutes just getting jiggled back and forth.  My gran was so excited that she could lay down and slim down at the same time.  Of course after we worked out together we went to McDonalds and got a strawberry shake because we’d lost so much weight.  Ha!  While my grandfather’s pet name for me was Miss America, my gran’s pet name for me was Sunshine of my Life.  Still to this day when I call her she will say – Oh My – It’s the Sunshine of my Life!  I love my gran.  However, that is not the point of this blog.  Reader – I wrote this introduction paragraph so that you would understand how I feel about my gran and not be offended at the next paragraph.  Nothing in the world will ever make me treasure this wonderful lady any less than I ever have because she has done so much for me and been there for me so many times through my life.  She is my safe haven, a mentor, a class act that I hope to model my life after.  Of course there’s an exception – one thing that I hope does not take over as I age like dear gran.  That, dear reader, is THE CRAZIES!!!

Okay – so let’s get to the point.  My conversation two nights ago with Gran about drove me F’N crazy!!!!  No kidding.  Starts out like this -  G:  Hi Sunshine of my Life!  How are you?  R:  Hi Gran – I’m doing good.  How are you doing?  G:  Oh honey it’s so good (now with tears) to hear your voice.  It’s been soooooooo long!  (keep in mind that I talk to my gran at least several times a week.)  R:  Gran – don’t cry!  We just talked the other day.  Guess What?  I’m calling to remind you that I’m picking you up Sunday to come to my house and spend the afternoon with me!  Remember?”  G:  Oh honey that’s so much work on you.  You don’t have to do that.  I’m fine here sitting on my couch all alone.  R:  Gran – it’s your birthday!  Of course I want to spend your birthday with you.  G:  Oh Sunshine – you spoil me so much (again the tears) I do not know what I’d do without you.  I tell everyone how you spoil your grandma so much.  All my friends are so jealous of me.”  R:  Well Brian and I will pick you up at 1:00pm on Sunday.  Will that be okay with you?  G:  Oh sunshine – you don’t have to do that.  Why, you’re so busy working.  I’m fine here sitting on my couch all alone.  R:  Well Gran – don’t you want to come?  G:  WHAT?  Now don’t you say that Renae Lee (now angry) of course I want to come – how could you think I don’t want to come?  R:  I didn’t mean that Gran.  I just wanted to let you know that Brian and I would be there to pick you up on Sunday at 1pm.  Will that be okay?  G:  Oh Sunshine I don’t know what I’d do without you.  You spoil me so much.  I tell all my friends about you and they’re all just as jealous as they can be.  R:  Okay Gran – I’ll see you Sunday at 1pm.  G:  (now tears again)  Oh Sunshine Of My Life – I love you so much!  R:  Bye Gran! (and then I hang up the phone quickly before she can again tell me that she is fine sitting on the couch all alone) 

Most recently my gran has taken to explaining her new 85-year-old body functions.  In the middle of a phone conversation I will be interrupted with a “BYE RENAE I GOTTA GO!”  Interesting I say – someone must be at the door.  NOOOOOOOOOO.  15 minutes later my gran will call back and tell me things no granddaughter should ever have to hear in her life.  G:  Oh Sunshine – thank goodness you’re still home and we can talk!  I’m sorry about that.  R:  Are you okay Gran?  G:  Oh Yes honey – you know – when you get older some things just don’t wait and, well, I hate to tell you about it but since you asked, I had dinner a little while ago and my body decided it was time to let it all go.  Your grandmother barely made it to the bathroom in time.  Gosh – Sunshine I’m sorry I told you that – why that’s disgusting.  (angry voice now) Why do you let me go on like that?  Call me tomorrow.  (and she hangs up the phone).   I know, dear reader, that she has not hung up on me because she’s mad at me, but rather because she realizes she just explained to me that she had a severe dumping episode and is now embarrassed.  Protocol calls for our next conversation to be started out acting like we haven’t spoken in ages so that she can believe I’ve forgotten all about it. 

Again, Reader – know that I love my gran to pieces and don’t know what I’ll do when the time comes for her to be with my grandfather.  However – I’m sure on Monday I’ll have a nice blog about the antics of Sunday’s birthday dinner with gran.  Until then….cheers!