My children's dictionary....

Many times throughout the last 20 years of raising my children I have realized that we often do not share the same opinion with regards to the meaning of words. 

For instance - who would have thought that 10 years ago murdering my son would have been an option, but when he walked in the room and said "That's Fat!" I saw red.  Right as I was about to swing the fatal blow Ben explains to me that he doesn't mean F-A-T, but rather P-H-A-T and it means:  Cool. 
“Do what?” I say!!!
Fast forward a couple years and suddenly I'm worried about the need for speech therapy.  Me:  Hey Ben can you bring me the phone?  Ben:  Aiight.  Me:  What?  Ben:  Aiight.  Me:  WHAT are you saying?  Ben:  Alllll-Riiigghhtt.  Me:  Do you need speech therapy??  Ben:  Mom - it's just the new way of saying it.  Me:  How about we pronounce our words.  I know it's odd to think of - but that's the way I like it. 
Over the years I've learned that while I think "bounce" refers to movement, the kids think "let's bounce" means "let's leave".  Imagine the quizzical look I gave my daughter the first time she said:  Let's Bounce, Mama!  Seriously?  You want to suddenly jump up and down???
 Of course the first time I heard my son talk about a guy and say:  He's blazed....I literally had a moment of shock where I thought my son was talking about how hot this dude was.  Immediately I was saying to myself that I could love my son no matter what and I would be supportive and tell him it was okay to come "out".  Very calmly I ask him:  So you think he's really cute?  He about busts a gut as he screams NOOOOO!!!!  Then he tries to be calm and explain that "blazed" means "high" or "strung out".  Ahhhhhhhh.......  Silently I said a prayer of thanks that my son did not have to go through a life of homosexual prejudice and struggle.

Other times I just want throw my hands up in the air and exclaim "COULD WE PLEASE SPEAK ENGLISH IN THIS HOUSE!"  When my daughter said:  "I need to collect some dead presidents" truly dear Reader, truly I absolutely knew that she meant she had a history assignment to write about our past presidents.  My answer:  I'll help you with that later tonight.  Much to my surprise Kennedy was delighted.  Wow - I thought.  It's so neat that she wants my help with homework and she’s a teenager!  I'm glad we're so close.  After dinner and dishes are over I look at Kennedy and say:  Let’s get on that report kiddo!  Kennedy looks at me like I’m from outer space.  “What are you talking about, Mom?”  I say:  “Duh!  You’re history assignment.”  She says:  “I don’t have a history assignment.”  I say:  “Don’t try to pull that on me young lady.  You told me about it earlier and said you had to collect dead presidents!”  Kennedy immediately plops down on the floor and starts laughing so hard she cannot breathe.  “What?  Whaaaat?” I yell.  I’m irritated to say the least.  This punk is NOT going to get away with not doing her homework.  She catches her breath – “MOM!  When I say collect dead presidents I mean I need MONEY!!!  I thought you were going to give me some money tonight for the movies this weekend.”  Obviously, I am disappointed.  Not only are we not “as close” as I thought we were; but there was no homework and no asking for help…..just a bratty teenager wanting more money.  UGH!!!

Obviously, I now just stay in a solid state of confusion while in conversation with my children.  I simply do not assume to have a clue what they are talking about.  I have come to realize that when Ben says:  “That’s clean!”  He means “That’s nice”.  When Nick says:  “Whoa – that’s off the Heasy” He really means:  Off the hook which means cool.  When someone’s a “shooter” it means they’re showing off.  “Sup!” mean’s What’s up.  “Wicked hot” means “Very hot”.

But I have, nevertheless, learned that when I speak to someone who is less than 30 years old I must practice a well-known technique called Repetitive Listening.  When one of the boys says:  She’s such a scrub.  I now say:  Honey do you mean the girl’s a maid or that she’s ugly and you don’t like her?  This has lessoned the amount of times I am ridiculed and has helped me gain a certain level of “cool” with the friends.  Guests arrive to me saying:  Yo!  You Straight?  And when I’m dropping the kids off at the movies I can say (in front of everyone) Yo Kennedy – you need some coin?”  and I can shout to the rest of the girls “What’s Doin?”

The kids absolutely enjoy my “wicked” vocabulary…….. I'm so gangsta!