Dear Reader: If you think today’s blog is a little weird, that’s okay. You wouldn’t be the first one to think that something I do is weird or that I am just a bit weird in general. It makes me who I am and I’m okay with it. Now if you feel the need to walk up to me and tell me face to face that I am weird then it might be a different story. I might assault you with words that children shouldn’t hear or simply slap you across the face. Either way, it would be an awkward moment I’m sure. Please choose to keep your thoughts to yourself although I am obviously incapable of such discreet behavior.
Last night on the drive home I began to feel her with me. We chatted. Not in a horror film type conversation where the ghosts start talking and lights start flickering. I’m not hearing any voices and certainly haven’t seen her sitting next to me. But I felt her there with me. So I just started talking out loud. I told her how much I missed her. I told her how lonely I felt. I told her how many times I’ve started typing an email with her name in the “to” box before I realized I couldn’t do that and had to erase it. I told her that I’ve listened to that stupid radio station she loved in order to try and hear her favorite song. I told her I’ve kicked myself 100 times for not saving her last two voicemails – one where she tells me a story until the voicemail is full; the other where she plays the entire Girl’s Just Wanna Have Fun song while telling me she’s driving her vette with the top down and wanted to share the moment with me. I told her that Todd, Samantha and Clay were doing okay but she probably already knew that. I told her that Samantha had emailed me and we were planning a weekend trip to visit her and see her dorm where she’s hung the frame we bought her. I talked to her like I had so many times before on the way home from work.
It felt good. Awesome, in fact. I still feel like she’s with me today. I cannot describe the peace it gives me to know that she’s watching over me. Of course there will still be tears and still be moments when I scream at no one about how unfair this is. But I can say that this is the first time since August 7th that I have felt even the slightest bit of peace inside. So I’ll take this small offering and keep it close. The rest of the world continues to move forward while I watch. I participate when necessary and then sleep to forget the rest. But now I know that eventually this small bit of peace will grow – because she is still with me.
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